There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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