you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
