i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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