I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
