My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
