He uses pillows to masturbate.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
