I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
