There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
