I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
