I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
