not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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