Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
