Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
