listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
