Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
