i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
