You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
