If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
