He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
