6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
