he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
