just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
