cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
