I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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