I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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