Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why