Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
