I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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