I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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