I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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