We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
