New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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