Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
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Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
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We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
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