I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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