Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
