So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
