I can text with my tongue
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
