Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
