First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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