i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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