My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
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If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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