I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
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Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
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Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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