All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize
