I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
