I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
