Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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