He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
