What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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