P.S. I can't hear my feet
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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