He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
