My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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