I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
