You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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