I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
They took my balls.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize