i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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