I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
