you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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